Almost a year...

Magdalena's brithday is so soon. I cannot believe it. Her brithday is on the 27th. And on the 24th, it will be the anniversary of the day I went into the hospital, a whole three days before she was born. It is such a bittersweet time for me. Magdalena is so perfect, and it such a joy to see her grow and learn. She is doing so well at walking, and even started running yesterday at the park. She is saying the cutest things, giving hugs and making me feel so loved.
At the same time, she isn't really a baby anymore. I never thought I would miss her being tiny, but I do. When I was pregnant, back in June, I remember tellng Mark "Maggie's brithday would be way more sad for me if I didn't know I was having another baby in February". And now, I'm not having another baby. I still think about that pregnancy and that baby every. single. day. Yesterday, I was randomly looking through the pictures on Mark's old cell phone, and a picture of the positive pregnancy test popped up. It made my heart ache.
Babies don't bother me or make me sad, but pregnant women do. I guess it's because I know I wouldn't have a baby yet. I would be 14 weeks, I think. Only a month away from being able to find out the sex. I hate thinking about Father's Day, when I realized that something bad was happening.I just couldn't believe it. Bad stuff usually doesn't happen to me, to be honest.
I want another baby. But, it just doesn't feel right. Not now. Someday. First, I want a bigger house (apartment, really) and I want to lose A LOT of weight. I think I might even start a blog about it to keep me accountable. I think I'm ready to tackle this lifelong issue of being overweight. Yuck, yuck, yuck. But there are a million reasons to get healthier, and only one not to: I love eating! I love cooking, and sharing food and eating. So, I just have to adjust the way I cook. I hate to think of Maggie one day realizing that she had a "fat" mom. I want her to think I am the most beautiful mom in the world, the way I thought about my mom. Although for some reason, I feel pretty beautiful these days. I think it's my new suglasses. Haha.

I just can't quit

As in, I cannot quit this blog! I feel a lot better today. I guess I realized I'm not writing this blog just to get a lot of comments to read. I'm writing this for me, for Maggie, and to share my story. This year has been HARD...emotionally, spiritually...everything. Becoming a Mom was a huge change, and I have really been going through a process spiritually. I have learned so much about myself this year.
Mostly, I learned that I am good enough. Just me, the way that I am. I don't have to be like anyone else. And no matter what I do, God loves me. I got so caught up in the "church thing"...wanting to be perfect, be the "best" at everything I did, not wanting anyone to see my struggles and my pain. I felt like I was living a lie, always striving and working. And suddenly, I felt like I couldn't breathe. So, I left. Not the best idea, that's for sure, but it worked. I know I could have gone through this process a lot quicker if I hadn't had left, but...for whatever reason, this is what happened. I guess the important thing is what I do now. I miss my close relationship with God. I miss the peace and calm that permeated every part of my life. I miss knowing that God was in control, and I would be safe and provided for. I miss having a rock solid foundation for my marriage to rest on. I miss my church family (sob!) and basically, I miss my life. I am still a little nervous about going back, but I now know I will never find what I am looking for without Jesus. Living a selfish, worldly life is fun...for about a week. And then, you realize that this is NOT what you were created to do.
Anyways. That's me right now.

Blogging hasn't been on my mind lately. I pretty much decided to quit writing this blog. I still don't know if I will continue it. But, for now, I wanted to log on and let everyone know that everything is okay.
I have been way out of the loop for a long time. Having no phone and no car can do that to you. I have also been purposely out of the loop, by not getting on myspace or really trying to let people know how to get a hold of me. I'm not trying to be mean, I just have been in this strange little world where I don't really talk to anyone. Now, I don't really know how to come back. How did everything get so complicated? Maggie and I have spent so much time together at home, it is getting so BORING!! I wish Mark's truck was still working. I want my car back so bad!
Maggie is so close to turning a year old!! It's only a few weeks away, and I have made the cutest invitations. I am so excited for her party, but I have been so emotional about her turning one. It is so bittersweet. I cannot believe that a year ago, I was anxiously awaiting her arrival. And now she's here, and she's growing so quickly.
Maggie is walking!! She has been walking for about a week now, and she is getting so good at it. She is also learning new words (like hello! and dog) and signs (she is just starting to really use the sign for more). She loves holding the phone to her ear, and uses everything like it was a phone. She is separating things into piles and putting toys into containers and is learning so quickly. I can't believe how much she has changed in the last few months. It is incredible.

I'll try to update more often. And to my friends trying to get a hold of me, I have a new phone number. Get a hold of me on Myspace and I'll give it to you.

Wordle

Thanks to Jenna, I am now addicted to Wordle. This is one I made from the blog I wrote about Maggie's birth:

It's so fun to mess around with!

Playing Catch-up

Last Friday, Maggie started acting really weird. She was really, really, sleepy, cranky and lethargic. She sat and watched cartoons and didn't want to play or do anything. Everyone told me that they thought she was teething, and my mom thought she had an ear infection. For some reason, I knew it wasn't either of those. On Saturday, we stayed at my mom's house and Maggie was still sleeping almost all day and just being weird. I noticed she felt warm, but not too bad. When we woke up on Sunday morning, she was burning up. We were going to go to church, but we rushed home to use our thermometer and she was 102.5. We called Mark's mom (a nurse) and we gave Maggie Tylenol to lower the fever. We didn't want to go to the emergency room because the Tylenol was helping the fever, and slowly, the fever broke and disappeared. She was still so sleepy, but did good all day Sunday.

When Maggie and I woke up on Monday morning, she looked like this:

Yikes! At first, I freaked out. Then I decided not to. Maggie was already acting so much better, and I knew she wasn't dying or anything. So, I hopped on WebMD to see some of the possibilities. It wasn't hard to figure out what it was, but I took her to the doctor to confirm it : Roseola. It's a really common childhood illness, like chicken pox (or I guess how chicken pox used to be since they vaccinate for that now...seems crazy). Anyways, the dangerous part of Roseola is the fever period, which lasts a couple of days. Once the fever breaks, which it will do suddenly, a dramatic rash appears. Apparently, Maggie's rash was quite severe. The Doctor even called in a nurse whom he said was "interested in rashes"...LOL. The good thing is that the rash was not itchy or bothersome at the least. She did feel yucky, but now she is 100% better. The rash completely disappeared yesterday, and it is so nice to have my Maggie back.

In other news, I am so happy that the fires in Paradise are subsiding. I feel so terrible for all the people in Paradise. I cannot imagine what it must be like to not know what is going to happen to your home. The smoke and ash was so bad here in Chico for so long! We hadn't left the house in what seemed like a month and poor Maggie was getting so stir crazy. We couldn't figure what to do or where to go, so we went to to Chuck E. Cheese. But, we didn't eat anything because I think that pizza is gross! And, we had a bag of tokens that someone has given us, so it was an entirely free trip. Maggie watched her parents play all the games (she actually had a great time watching us throw balls and light up the machines and stuff). We also let her ride a lot of the little rides there and she loved it! She looked like such a big girl, it was crazy!

One thing I forgot to mention a while ago...
Mark got a promotion!! He was made a dispatcher and is now officially middle-management. For the first time in our marriage, he has a set schedule and the hours are perfect for our family: 6:30 am-2:30 pm! He now gets to spend lots more time with Maggie. He loves his new job, loves not having a uniform, loves really using his brain and is just so much more satisfied and happy career-wise. After his training period is up, he will get a raise and we are so excited for that, too! We plan to move out to a bigger place soon ( did you know we live in a tiny one bedroom studio type thing?) I want my own bedroom back!!!

And onto sad news (not too sad, but annoying, really) My cell phone is officially, 100% dead. Mark went to plug it in for me, and he said it made a little pop and then the whole phone started to heat up, quickly and really hot. It won't turn on, charge, or do anything really. I can't afford a new one right now, so I apologize to all my friends right now. I know it is impossible to get a hold of me right now. Call me on Mark's phone. I haven't been onto to Myspace for weeks either, so I guess I should do that so people have some way of getting in touch with me.

We missed church last Sunday because of Maggie being sick. I think we are going this Sunday. It is still so scary going back. I don't know why. It's not the people. I think it's the idea of facing everything I am running away from. I can't believe that it's been like two months since we stopped going to our church. It seems like a lifetime ago. I feel like a different person. Some of the changes have been negative, some have been positive. But, I want more positive changes and I know that requires God.

What else? We've been enjoying lots of family time with both of families. Maggie went to her first birthday party. Her second cousin, Ellie, turned three and Maggie had a great time with the wrapping paper and bows. It made me really excited for Maggie's 1st birthday!!! It is so soon, and I need to really start planning and make invitations.

My sister, Sarah, and her husband, Russ were here a couple times lately and we had such a great time hanging out. On Tuesday, they were here on their way to Oregon, and stopped to celebrate Russ's birthday with us. We went to Sierra Nevada for dinner (a family favorite for sure!) and then back to my mom's house for a board game.

We're doing really, really good. We are having so much fun with Maggie, and are honestly enjoying exactly where we are right now. I am so proud of Mark for working so hard and getting his much deserved promotion. I feel really happy to be me, and have my family and friends that love me. I think I have rediscovered a lot about me and I love it. It is so hard to explain, but I am just excited and hopeful and curious and hungry. Life is good!

Here's some cute Maggie pictures after all the spotted, sad ones:

Coming Home

So, life is interesting. Which is good. This last few months have been hard, weird, lonely and confusing. At the beginning of May, Mark and I left our church. we were feeling unhappy, unsuccessful and ashamed to face the issues we were dealing with. We were overwhelmed with feelings of failure and had become quite disconnected with God. I was just so unhappy and felt like I was being so religious. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I kinda freaked out and decided that maybe Zion just wasn't right for me. It could be right for some, but not for me. Arguments, arguments, arguments.
Two months passed, and now we're here. I have spent the last three weeks or so, in limbo, pledging that I would return. But, Mark wasn't ready. Today, he was ready. Thank God.
It was amazing. It was literally like returning home. My church family welcomed us with hugs, huge smiles, and lots and lots of comments about how much Maggie has grown. It was a total love fest.
And, for the first time in a long time, I felt God's presence in my life. I remembered who I am. I am AMAZING! Can I just say that? God has great plans for me. This is the year EVERYTHING changes. I gave my life to Christ once before, but this time I am truly laying it all down in exchange for a new life. I want more. More peace. More growth. More Jesus. I just want more.
I feel so alive, just so free and full of hope. God is so awesome.

She's Standing!

Oh my goodness, Maggie is standing on her own! She can stand all by herself for about a minute, it is so amazing. She can even bend down and up and again, and can correct her balance. She did it about three times yesterday, and I caught a couple pictures. Now I really think she will be walking soon, I'm sure she will this month. Only ten months old, and she's tiny! It is going to look so adorable and so funny to see such a little girl walking on her own.

She has also cut her first (two) teeth! They are the bottom front ones and they are adorable! They poked through the gums last week, and they just keep comin' up. She's getting more, too. Funny..it took ten months to get one tooth, and now they're all coming in.

I can't believe how much she is changing. It is so crazy! She can say Mama, Dada, Up, Jake (her second cousin who she LOVES) and mimics a lot of other words. She dances to music, waves bye-bye, and plays peek-a-boo. She is OBSESSED with soft things like pillows, blankets and clothing. She is constantly lying on blankets and pillows and loves to rub her face all over them. It is so funny because she constantly moving, and only stops to enjoy the feeling of something soft. We actually decided to put a blanket in her crib because she loves them so much. It has actually greatly improved bedtime. She likes to rub her feet against the blanket when I put her down. So cute!

Here's some pics of her standing (YAY!) and getting into the laundry basket (literally) to retrieve her treasure...laundry!